Helping Them Fly
A man spent hours watching a butterfly struggling to emerge from its cocoon. It managed to make a small hole, but its body was too large to get through it. After a long struggle, it appeared to be exhausted and remained absolutely still.
The man decided to help the butterfly and, with a pair of scissors, he cut open the cocoon, thus releasing the butterfly. However, the butterfly’s body was very small and wrinkled and its wings were all crumpled.
The man continued to watch, hoping that, at any moment, the butterfly would open its wings and fly away. Nothing happened; in fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its brief life dragging around its shrunken body and shrivelled wings, incapable of flight.
What the man – out of kindness and his eagerness to help – had failed to understand was that the tight cocoon and the efforts that the butterfly had to make in order to squeeze out of that tiny hole were Nature’s way of training the butterfly and of strengthening its wings.
Sometimes, a little extra effort is precisely what prepares us for the next obstacle to be faced. Anyone who refuses to make that effort, or gets the wrong sort of help, is left unprepared to fight the next battle and never manages to fly off to their destiny.
(The above is a story by Paulo Coelho, adapted from a story sent in by Sonaira D’Avila)
There is no denying the growing statistics of teens and young adults experiencing increasing anxiety and depression. From 2009 to 2021, the share of American high-school students who say they feel “persistent feelings of sadness or hopelessness” rose from 26 percent to 44 percent, according to a new CDC study. According to an article in the Journal of American Medicine Pediatrics, approximately 11.6% of kids had anxiety in 2012, up 20% from 2007. But during the pandemic, those numbers nearly doubled, such that 20.5% of youth worldwide now struggle with anxiety symptoms.
The data is clear that the mental health of teens and young adults has been significantly impacted by the constant access to the internet and social media as well as the pandemic. As parents and guardians, sometimes we can feel helpless in how we can combat the impact of these external factors.
I have been in the counseling profession for more than 25 years. Throughout this time, I have held many hands of parents and guardians as they experienced the challenges of wanting to support, encourage and see their children survive and thrive.
For 14 years of that time, I worked directly in Higher Education. Towards the end of that time, I began to see more and more, the impact of parents “cutting” the struggle away from their children’s lives. They may call Residence Life, demanding that their child be moved due to a roommate who kept the lights on when they slept, or emailing faculty directly to explain the students missed assignments or missed classes. In my role as a counselor, I continued to see the consequences of students knowing that their parents would step in and take the discomfort, embarrassment, or awkwardness away. They begin to see it as the responsibility of everyone in their life to work at removing challenges or making things “easier” for them. They find it harder to find their own way through painful experiences. They are increasingly debilitated from making decisions and paralyzed by choices.
As I continue to meet with young people in my private practice, I am seeing the results well-meaning and well-intentioned adults, over pathologizing uncomfortable emotions.
Our toxic positive culture leads high-school and college students to believe that they need to be happy all the time. Some parents think that it is their job to make sure that their child is happy 24/7. This is unrealistic and teaches them that emotions like anger, sadness, frustration, nervousness and more are unacceptable. When going through a break-up or navigating not making a team, we can be too quick to squash those feelings, by saying, “other people have it worse” or “you’ll get over it”. Parenting this way does nothing to foster emotional literacy or resilience and may further create shame around difficult emotions and experiences.
As we support teens and young adults navigate the ever changing and often complex world around them, we can help them strengthen their wings and fly by encouraging the following:
Help them identify what exactly they might be feeling. Often, when I talk with clients and they tell me that they are “angry”, the reality is, they are hurting or scared.
Normalize feeling anxious and sad to situations, recognizing that it does not mean that they “have” anxiety or depression.
If there is uncertainty about a possible clinical diagnosis or need for more direct treatment, let them know that they can meet with a counselor just once for clarity and perspective, and can make decisions to move forward with counseling if so desired.
Roleplay phone calls or conversations that they are nervous about having.
If they are needing to send a text or an email, have them write out the first draft and assist them in communicating what they are wanting to.
Allow them to create their own story. Be sure to check in regularly to ensure that the path they have shared that they want to be on, continues to be the one they want to walk.
While children, teens and young adults may not come with a manual, it does not mean that we have to guide them in the dark. Utilize teachers, counselors, coaches, mentors, faith leaders and others in your community to help and support you during the times when you are forced to watch this young person in you life, squeeze their way out of the safety of the cocoon wrapped around them, all knowing that the strength they are developing will certainly help them fly!
